Holidays

Good morning, darling.

I'm having a rough night tonight, little bug. The Red Death started this afternoon- it's not as traumatic as it was last month. I was at least expecting it this time, and at least I'm a bit more prepared for how painful it might be. I wasn't prepared, though, for how much of an impact starting birth control would be. I mean.... I knew that it would make me sad, because it's another note of finality. But I just... I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I know I don't have a choice in the matter at the moment. Well, I do. I always have a choice. But choosing to not use b/c would be amazingly irresponsible of me. Your dad wants to wait, anyway. I don't, completely. My head says it's a good idea, but my heart just keeps fighting that NOW is the time to try again.

On a different side of the coin, I've been thinking about the holidays next year. About Valentine's Day, which was your due date. And Mother's Day. I'm.... I'm scared that no one will wish me a good mother's day. I'm still your parent, even though you're not here, little one. I'm scared that your dad and I will be the only people recognizing that. There was this poem that I read, that I want to put here, that another mom who lost her little one wrote.

"Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity."

I really love that poem, even if it makes me cry. I miss you, little bug. I hope that you're having fun with Uncle Mark. I'm going to go lie down try to sleep now. I'll probably just cry.

I love you.

Good morning, Starshine. I haven't slept tonight, kiddo. I'm too nervous and scared and sad about the doctor's appointment tomorrow. They're going to make sure that your dad and I don't add a little one to the family before we're ready; it makes me hurt so deeply, because I should be pregnant with you right now. To top things off, it's a Monday-- it was a Monday when I found out that we'd lost you. Mondays and Wednesdays are the worst.

I cried a lot earlier. Missing you, the sadness... it all hit me so hard and so strongly that I broke down. I had to use a few of my old (but good) tricks to ground myself again. I held tight to Mr. Bear-- the one that Tannermom loaned me-- and cried. I'll have to remember to wash him before I give him back. I tried not to wake up your dad, but I wound up rousing him when I went to blow my nose. He let me cry on him for a bit- but then I realized that I was keeping him up. I know he didn't mind, and I know he would'v happily let me stay there and cry, but I just needed to work through this.

Your Uncle Stoker helped, too; he'd asked if I wanted to call him-- but I knew that I wouldn't be able to actually speak. So we talked over AIM. I wish you could meet him and Razz; they're great people. They were here with your dad and I for a whole month after we found out. I know you'll get to meet them some day- they're the type of people that will go somewhere spectacular when the time comes.

I don't know what I'd do without friends like that, honey. Probably wither away.

I have to confess, little one. I'm jealous of my friends who are expecting. I'm flat-out terrified of Jessi getting pregnant. I know she's going to flaunt it every chance she gets. I'll do my absolute best to be polite and happy for her-- I want to show her the courtesy and kindness that she didn't show to me. Part of me knows that would be a slap in the face, and part of me just wants to do it because it's the right thing.

I'm jealous of my other friend, too. She's been in on-and-off labor for the last week. I both envy and don't envy her. I wouldn't want to be in pain for that long, but at the same time... I'd do it for however long it took, and take all the pain in the world if it meant that I could have you in my arms.

I should wrap this up before I start crying again, little bug. I love you always.

- Loki