Good morning, Starshine. I haven't slept tonight, kiddo. I'm too nervous and scared and sad about the doctor's appointment tomorrow. They're going to make sure that your dad and I don't add a little one to the family before we're ready; it makes me hurt so deeply, because I should be pregnant with you right now. To top things off, it's a Monday-- it was a Monday when I found out that we'd lost you. Mondays and Wednesdays are the worst.

I cried a lot earlier. Missing you, the sadness... it all hit me so hard and so strongly that I broke down. I had to use a few of my old (but good) tricks to ground myself again. I held tight to Mr. Bear-- the one that Tannermom loaned me-- and cried. I'll have to remember to wash him before I give him back. I tried not to wake up your dad, but I wound up rousing him when I went to blow my nose. He let me cry on him for a bit- but then I realized that I was keeping him up. I know he didn't mind, and I know he would'v happily let me stay there and cry, but I just needed to work through this.

Your Uncle Stoker helped, too; he'd asked if I wanted to call him-- but I knew that I wouldn't be able to actually speak. So we talked over AIM. I wish you could meet him and Razz; they're great people. They were here with your dad and I for a whole month after we found out. I know you'll get to meet them some day- they're the type of people that will go somewhere spectacular when the time comes.

I don't know what I'd do without friends like that, honey. Probably wither away.

I have to confess, little one. I'm jealous of my friends who are expecting. I'm flat-out terrified of Jessi getting pregnant. I know she's going to flaunt it every chance she gets. I'll do my absolute best to be polite and happy for her-- I want to show her the courtesy and kindness that she didn't show to me. Part of me knows that would be a slap in the face, and part of me just wants to do it because it's the right thing.

I'm jealous of my other friend, too. She's been in on-and-off labor for the last week. I both envy and don't envy her. I wouldn't want to be in pain for that long, but at the same time... I'd do it for however long it took, and take all the pain in the world if it meant that I could have you in my arms.

I should wrap this up before I start crying again, little bug. I love you always.

- Loki