Troubles

Dahlia, darling-

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you, and I apologize for that. I talk to you every day, every night... every chance I get. I miss you so much.

I'm not sure why, but last night was difficult. Your dad and I had just spent some special time together- you're too little to really know what that means - and afterwards when he was asleep, I just started crying and crying. I couldn't stop. He woke up after about fifteen minutes and held my hand and sleepily told me that it would be alright, and to not cry.

I don't really understand why I shouldn't cry; I know that he says it out of love, and because he wants me to be happy. I know he understand why I'm crying, and that I need to-- but I don't get why people have to tell me "don't cry". Or even, "it's okay.". It's really not. I lost my child. That's about as not okay as a person gets.

I'm scared, too, 'lia. I have an appointment coming up so that I can have consultation for birth control. I've tried so many different ones, and they've all just wound up hurting me. And I know that this time, I really don't want to go on it-- your dad wants me to. He doesn't want to 'risk' having me get pregnant for at least a year and a half. But I want to be pregnant so, so badly. I want to have the big belly to rub. I want the morning sickness and the heartburn. I want the exhaustion and the moodiness. I want to be able to have a living child. It's hard to be standing on the opposite side of something as big as this from Robby. Logically, I know that we should wait. But my logic is the only thing that agrees with that. Everything else is screaming that we should be trying to have another little one.

I think that another reason that I don't want the birth control is that it just re-enforces the fact that you're gone. That I'm not 20 weeks pregnant. That I'm not expecting a gorgeous baby. It just gives me one more reminder that my body failed me. Failed you.

This isn't a very happy post, little darling. I'm sorry.

- Loki