Goodmorning, Starshine. Your dad and I are going to see Grandma and Grandpa today; we're leaving around 2 this afternoon. This will be the first time we've gotten to see them since we lost you, dearheart. I admit, I'm a little nervous. Every day gets closer to Christmas, and close to February, when we were supposed to be welcoming you into the world.
Lately, it's been hard. I've been missing you every day, wishing that I could have you back, so I could hold you. I wish I knew what you looked like, little one. You know, dad and I never got an ultrasound picture... we got to see your heart beating one time, though. It was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. I'll always, always keep that memory dear.
I need to go to bed, Dahlia. But I had just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and that I love you more than anything. I hope it's warm in heaven... it's raining down here.
- Loki
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
There was rain today
Oh angel, I hope that you know that just because I haven't written here in a long time doesn't mean that I don't think of you every single day. A very nice woman made me a pair of angel wings with your name on them-- they're on one of my bulletin boards above the desk that I work at, and I look at them whenever I need to feel closer to you.
Your papa and I were talking about feeling close to you last night. He said that he didn't feel you near him, but that he'd never felt any sort of angel near, not even when he desperately wanted it. I feel you from time to time, usually when I get the feeling that your Uncle Mark is around. It makes me smile through the sadness to think that he's carrying you in his arms to come and see me.
I never showed you the picture that your Aunt Ziri made. So, here it is:
I draw myself and your papa as a snow leopard and a fox all the time; your auntie made you a mix between the two. This picture always makes me smile, because I know that Mark is looking out for you... and always so, so sad because I can't be the one to hold you. I know that someday, I'll be up there in Heaven, able to love you.
I think about you all the time, little darling. I know that your memory creeps up on your papa from time to time; he's handled losing you much better than I have. I still cry and grieve and mourn. He doesn't. I don't quite understand why-- neither does he. I think that it's just the way that evolution made the male of the species.
Jessi is having a girl, Dahlia. I hope that while you were still with us, you didn't hear all of the horrible things that she said to you. I hope that you weren't listening at Thanksgiving when she told me to shut up when I started to talk about you. I really dislike her, Dahlia. I really do. But because I'm me, I think that I'm still looking for a tiny bit of good in her. I don't know if I'm ever going to find it. Right now, the only good about her is that she's carrying an innocent child in her belly. I hope that she isn't as cruel to her baby as she is to me.
I also hope that when we go to the family gathering for Christmas, that she doesn't spend another six hours only talking about how pregnant she is, and how wonderful it feels. She told me "I can feel the baby moving! You wouldn't know about that though, would you, Loki?"
It broke my heart, and I wanted to punch her in the face. It wouldn't hurt her baby if I broke her jaw, really. But I'm trying to be a good person. I didn't let it show on my face how much she'd hurt me by saying that. If I rise to her bait and fight back, then I'm no better than she is.
Hate aside, I love you Dahlia. I love you more than anything-- the stars, the moon, the grass and the rain outside. Did you enjoy the rain today? I did. There wasn't any thunder-- I'm terrified of thunder. I wind up hiding under my covers when it booms across the sky. I think you'd think it silly. But then if you did, I would have gotten to hear your little laugh.
I was supposed to be having you in seven weeks, angel. I think that the next seven weeks are going to be really, really hard for me. I know that this Valentine's Day is going to break my heart-- I won't be bringing you into the world. Instead, I'll be grieving that you're not in my arms.
Forever,
Loki
Your papa and I were talking about feeling close to you last night. He said that he didn't feel you near him, but that he'd never felt any sort of angel near, not even when he desperately wanted it. I feel you from time to time, usually when I get the feeling that your Uncle Mark is around. It makes me smile through the sadness to think that he's carrying you in his arms to come and see me.
I never showed you the picture that your Aunt Ziri made. So, here it is:
I draw myself and your papa as a snow leopard and a fox all the time; your auntie made you a mix between the two. This picture always makes me smile, because I know that Mark is looking out for you... and always so, so sad because I can't be the one to hold you. I know that someday, I'll be up there in Heaven, able to love you.
I think about you all the time, little darling. I know that your memory creeps up on your papa from time to time; he's handled losing you much better than I have. I still cry and grieve and mourn. He doesn't. I don't quite understand why-- neither does he. I think that it's just the way that evolution made the male of the species.
Jessi is having a girl, Dahlia. I hope that while you were still with us, you didn't hear all of the horrible things that she said to you. I hope that you weren't listening at Thanksgiving when she told me to shut up when I started to talk about you. I really dislike her, Dahlia. I really do. But because I'm me, I think that I'm still looking for a tiny bit of good in her. I don't know if I'm ever going to find it. Right now, the only good about her is that she's carrying an innocent child in her belly. I hope that she isn't as cruel to her baby as she is to me.
I also hope that when we go to the family gathering for Christmas, that she doesn't spend another six hours only talking about how pregnant she is, and how wonderful it feels. She told me "I can feel the baby moving! You wouldn't know about that though, would you, Loki?"
It broke my heart, and I wanted to punch her in the face. It wouldn't hurt her baby if I broke her jaw, really. But I'm trying to be a good person. I didn't let it show on my face how much she'd hurt me by saying that. If I rise to her bait and fight back, then I'm no better than she is.
Hate aside, I love you Dahlia. I love you more than anything-- the stars, the moon, the grass and the rain outside. Did you enjoy the rain today? I did. There wasn't any thunder-- I'm terrified of thunder. I wind up hiding under my covers when it booms across the sky. I think you'd think it silly. But then if you did, I would have gotten to hear your little laugh.
I was supposed to be having you in seven weeks, angel. I think that the next seven weeks are going to be really, really hard for me. I know that this Valentine's Day is going to break my heart-- I won't be bringing you into the world. Instead, I'll be grieving that you're not in my arms.
Forever,
Loki
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