Hello sweetheart.

I've been sick lately, so I haven't really been able to get onto the computer much. I had a pretty big breakdown the other night, too; I kept crying and blaming myself for losing you. I know that in the end, it wasn't anything that I did-- but I can't help but blame myself for your death. I keep thinking "What if I did XYZ differently? What if I had done this instead of that?"

It's a painful game to play.

I miss you more than ever, especially with your due date coming closer. There's so many things that remind me of you, everywhere I go. Your dad and I are still planning on going camping on Valentine's day for our private memorial for you. We finally decided on Joshua Tree, since it's such a beautiful place. I can't wait to sit on the rocks. I want to take some chalk and draw something out there for you-- it's not toxic, and I know that the rains will wash it away. I like to think that when the rains come, that they'll just wash it to you, and you'll have it forever, a gift from me.

I've been snuggling with your blanket at night. It's gotten hard to sleep without it. Lea, of course, still loves it. She's taken to getting grouchy when I won't let her nuzzle on it and tries to steal it away from me. Silly kitten! She's a good girl, but is annoying at times.

There hasn't really been much to update about, aside from my getting sick and needing to go to the hospital, which was all SORTS of not fun. I got severely dehydrated, which was horrible. The shaking and the confusion were the parts that I hated the most, aside from not being able to keep anything down. I remember secretly hoping that I had morning sickness, but with the birth control, it's not really all that possible. I can still hope for some kind of miracle, right?

In news that hasn't changed, I miss you more than ever, and love you as much as I have since the day I knew you were growing in me.

Forever,
Loki

As your due date gets closer and closer, I miss you more and more. Your dad and I went to Target the other day-- I'd been having a particularly tough day. I'd wandered over to the baby stuff, and while I was there, I found a blanket that was perfect. It's fuzzy, green with white dots, has an embroidered ladybug and says "Little love bug". We used to call you our 'little bug', so finding a blanket that said something close to that was wonderful.

Lea, who's almost six months now and who's the size of a full grown cat with the brain of a kitten, loves your blanket. She'll wait till I'm asleep, and then burrow under the covers and wrap herself in it. I'm not sure how she manages to get buried in your blanket without my noticing (since it's usually in my arms), but when I wake up, there she is, bundled up under the covers and looking at me like "Oh, hey. Is it morning already?". She's a great little kitten.

I miss you so much, darling. I can't understand how your dad handled everything like he did. Some days, it frustrates me. Some days, I'm envious that he doesn't seem to feel the pain of not having you as sharply as I do. I miss you so much, little one. I wish that you'd gotten to stay. There was so much that I wanted to teach you, and that I wanted to help you learn about in life.

I'm always thinking of you.

- Loki