Hello sweetheart.

I've been sick lately, so I haven't really been able to get onto the computer much. I had a pretty big breakdown the other night, too; I kept crying and blaming myself for losing you. I know that in the end, it wasn't anything that I did-- but I can't help but blame myself for your death. I keep thinking "What if I did XYZ differently? What if I had done this instead of that?"

It's a painful game to play.

I miss you more than ever, especially with your due date coming closer. There's so many things that remind me of you, everywhere I go. Your dad and I are still planning on going camping on Valentine's day for our private memorial for you. We finally decided on Joshua Tree, since it's such a beautiful place. I can't wait to sit on the rocks. I want to take some chalk and draw something out there for you-- it's not toxic, and I know that the rains will wash it away. I like to think that when the rains come, that they'll just wash it to you, and you'll have it forever, a gift from me.

I've been snuggling with your blanket at night. It's gotten hard to sleep without it. Lea, of course, still loves it. She's taken to getting grouchy when I won't let her nuzzle on it and tries to steal it away from me. Silly kitten! She's a good girl, but is annoying at times.

There hasn't really been much to update about, aside from my getting sick and needing to go to the hospital, which was all SORTS of not fun. I got severely dehydrated, which was horrible. The shaking and the confusion were the parts that I hated the most, aside from not being able to keep anything down. I remember secretly hoping that I had morning sickness, but with the birth control, it's not really all that possible. I can still hope for some kind of miracle, right?

In news that hasn't changed, I miss you more than ever, and love you as much as I have since the day I knew you were growing in me.

Forever,
Loki