Hello sweetheart.

I've been sick lately, so I haven't really been able to get onto the computer much. I had a pretty big breakdown the other night, too; I kept crying and blaming myself for losing you. I know that in the end, it wasn't anything that I did-- but I can't help but blame myself for your death. I keep thinking "What if I did XYZ differently? What if I had done this instead of that?"

It's a painful game to play.

I miss you more than ever, especially with your due date coming closer. There's so many things that remind me of you, everywhere I go. Your dad and I are still planning on going camping on Valentine's day for our private memorial for you. We finally decided on Joshua Tree, since it's such a beautiful place. I can't wait to sit on the rocks. I want to take some chalk and draw something out there for you-- it's not toxic, and I know that the rains will wash it away. I like to think that when the rains come, that they'll just wash it to you, and you'll have it forever, a gift from me.

I've been snuggling with your blanket at night. It's gotten hard to sleep without it. Lea, of course, still loves it. She's taken to getting grouchy when I won't let her nuzzle on it and tries to steal it away from me. Silly kitten! She's a good girl, but is annoying at times.

There hasn't really been much to update about, aside from my getting sick and needing to go to the hospital, which was all SORTS of not fun. I got severely dehydrated, which was horrible. The shaking and the confusion were the parts that I hated the most, aside from not being able to keep anything down. I remember secretly hoping that I had morning sickness, but with the birth control, it's not really all that possible. I can still hope for some kind of miracle, right?

In news that hasn't changed, I miss you more than ever, and love you as much as I have since the day I knew you were growing in me.

Forever,
Loki

As your due date gets closer and closer, I miss you more and more. Your dad and I went to Target the other day-- I'd been having a particularly tough day. I'd wandered over to the baby stuff, and while I was there, I found a blanket that was perfect. It's fuzzy, green with white dots, has an embroidered ladybug and says "Little love bug". We used to call you our 'little bug', so finding a blanket that said something close to that was wonderful.

Lea, who's almost six months now and who's the size of a full grown cat with the brain of a kitten, loves your blanket. She'll wait till I'm asleep, and then burrow under the covers and wrap herself in it. I'm not sure how she manages to get buried in your blanket without my noticing (since it's usually in my arms), but when I wake up, there she is, bundled up under the covers and looking at me like "Oh, hey. Is it morning already?". She's a great little kitten.

I miss you so much, darling. I can't understand how your dad handled everything like he did. Some days, it frustrates me. Some days, I'm envious that he doesn't seem to feel the pain of not having you as sharply as I do. I miss you so much, little one. I wish that you'd gotten to stay. There was so much that I wanted to teach you, and that I wanted to help you learn about in life.

I'm always thinking of you.

- Loki

Goodmorning, Starshine. Your dad and I are going to see Grandma and Grandpa today; we're leaving around 2 this afternoon. This will be the first time we've gotten to see them since we lost you, dearheart. I admit, I'm a little nervous. Every day gets closer to Christmas, and close to February, when we were supposed to be welcoming you into the world.

Lately, it's been hard. I've been missing you every day, wishing that I could have you back, so I could hold you. I wish I knew what you looked like, little one. You know, dad and I never got an ultrasound picture... we got to see your heart beating one time, though. It was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. I'll always, always keep that memory dear.

I need to go to bed, Dahlia. But I had just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and that I love you more than anything. I hope it's warm in heaven... it's raining down here.

- Loki

There was rain today

Oh angel, I hope that you know that just because I haven't written here in a long time doesn't mean that I don't think of you every single day. A very nice woman made me a pair of angel wings with your name on them-- they're on one of my bulletin boards above the desk that I work at, and I look at them whenever I need to feel closer to you.

Your papa and I were talking about feeling close to you last night. He said that he didn't feel you near him, but that he'd never felt any sort of angel near, not even when he desperately wanted it. I feel you from time to time, usually when I get the feeling that your Uncle Mark is around. It makes me smile through the sadness to think that he's carrying you in his arms to come and see me.

I never showed you the picture that your Aunt Ziri made. So, here it is:



I draw myself and your papa as a snow leopard and a fox all the time; your auntie made you a mix between the two. This picture always makes me smile, because I know that Mark is looking out for you... and always so, so sad because I can't be the one to hold you. I know that someday, I'll be up there in Heaven, able to love you.

I think about you all the time, little darling. I know that your memory creeps up on your papa from time to time; he's handled losing you much better than I have. I still cry and grieve and mourn. He doesn't. I don't quite understand why-- neither does he. I think that it's just the way that evolution made the male of the species.

Jessi is having a girl, Dahlia. I hope that while you were still with us, you didn't hear all of the horrible things that she said to you. I hope that you weren't listening at Thanksgiving when she told me to shut up when I started to talk about you. I really dislike her, Dahlia. I really do. But because I'm me, I think that I'm still looking for a tiny bit of good in her. I don't know if I'm ever going to find it. Right now, the only good about her is that she's carrying an innocent child in her belly. I hope that she isn't as cruel to her baby as she is to me.

I also hope that when we go to the family gathering for Christmas, that she doesn't spend another six hours only talking about how pregnant she is, and how wonderful it feels. She told me "I can feel the baby moving! You wouldn't know about that though, would you, Loki?"

It broke my heart, and I wanted to punch her in the face. It wouldn't hurt her baby if I broke her jaw, really. But I'm trying to be a good person. I didn't let it show on my face how much she'd hurt me by saying that. If I rise to her bait and fight back, then I'm no better than she is.

Hate aside, I love you Dahlia. I love you more than anything-- the stars, the moon, the grass and the rain outside. Did you enjoy the rain today? I did. There wasn't any thunder-- I'm terrified of thunder. I wind up hiding under my covers when it booms across the sky. I think you'd think it silly. But then if you did, I would have gotten to hear your little laugh.

I was supposed to be having you in seven weeks, angel. I think that the next seven weeks are going to be really, really hard for me. I know that this Valentine's Day is going to break my heart-- I won't be bringing you into the world. Instead, I'll be grieving that you're not in my arms.

Forever,
Loki

Holidays

Good morning, darling.

I'm having a rough night tonight, little bug. The Red Death started this afternoon- it's not as traumatic as it was last month. I was at least expecting it this time, and at least I'm a bit more prepared for how painful it might be. I wasn't prepared, though, for how much of an impact starting birth control would be. I mean.... I knew that it would make me sad, because it's another note of finality. But I just... I didn't think it would hurt this much.

I know I don't have a choice in the matter at the moment. Well, I do. I always have a choice. But choosing to not use b/c would be amazingly irresponsible of me. Your dad wants to wait, anyway. I don't, completely. My head says it's a good idea, but my heart just keeps fighting that NOW is the time to try again.

On a different side of the coin, I've been thinking about the holidays next year. About Valentine's Day, which was your due date. And Mother's Day. I'm.... I'm scared that no one will wish me a good mother's day. I'm still your parent, even though you're not here, little one. I'm scared that your dad and I will be the only people recognizing that. There was this poem that I read, that I want to put here, that another mom who lost her little one wrote.

"Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity."

I really love that poem, even if it makes me cry. I miss you, little bug. I hope that you're having fun with Uncle Mark. I'm going to go lie down try to sleep now. I'll probably just cry.

I love you.

Good morning, Starshine. I haven't slept tonight, kiddo. I'm too nervous and scared and sad about the doctor's appointment tomorrow. They're going to make sure that your dad and I don't add a little one to the family before we're ready; it makes me hurt so deeply, because I should be pregnant with you right now. To top things off, it's a Monday-- it was a Monday when I found out that we'd lost you. Mondays and Wednesdays are the worst.

I cried a lot earlier. Missing you, the sadness... it all hit me so hard and so strongly that I broke down. I had to use a few of my old (but good) tricks to ground myself again. I held tight to Mr. Bear-- the one that Tannermom loaned me-- and cried. I'll have to remember to wash him before I give him back. I tried not to wake up your dad, but I wound up rousing him when I went to blow my nose. He let me cry on him for a bit- but then I realized that I was keeping him up. I know he didn't mind, and I know he would'v happily let me stay there and cry, but I just needed to work through this.

Your Uncle Stoker helped, too; he'd asked if I wanted to call him-- but I knew that I wouldn't be able to actually speak. So we talked over AIM. I wish you could meet him and Razz; they're great people. They were here with your dad and I for a whole month after we found out. I know you'll get to meet them some day- they're the type of people that will go somewhere spectacular when the time comes.

I don't know what I'd do without friends like that, honey. Probably wither away.

I have to confess, little one. I'm jealous of my friends who are expecting. I'm flat-out terrified of Jessi getting pregnant. I know she's going to flaunt it every chance she gets. I'll do my absolute best to be polite and happy for her-- I want to show her the courtesy and kindness that she didn't show to me. Part of me knows that would be a slap in the face, and part of me just wants to do it because it's the right thing.

I'm jealous of my other friend, too. She's been in on-and-off labor for the last week. I both envy and don't envy her. I wouldn't want to be in pain for that long, but at the same time... I'd do it for however long it took, and take all the pain in the world if it meant that I could have you in my arms.

I should wrap this up before I start crying again, little bug. I love you always.

- Loki

Troubles

Dahlia, darling-

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote to you, and I apologize for that. I talk to you every day, every night... every chance I get. I miss you so much.

I'm not sure why, but last night was difficult. Your dad and I had just spent some special time together- you're too little to really know what that means - and afterwards when he was asleep, I just started crying and crying. I couldn't stop. He woke up after about fifteen minutes and held my hand and sleepily told me that it would be alright, and to not cry.

I don't really understand why I shouldn't cry; I know that he says it out of love, and because he wants me to be happy. I know he understand why I'm crying, and that I need to-- but I don't get why people have to tell me "don't cry". Or even, "it's okay.". It's really not. I lost my child. That's about as not okay as a person gets.

I'm scared, too, 'lia. I have an appointment coming up so that I can have consultation for birth control. I've tried so many different ones, and they've all just wound up hurting me. And I know that this time, I really don't want to go on it-- your dad wants me to. He doesn't want to 'risk' having me get pregnant for at least a year and a half. But I want to be pregnant so, so badly. I want to have the big belly to rub. I want the morning sickness and the heartburn. I want the exhaustion and the moodiness. I want to be able to have a living child. It's hard to be standing on the opposite side of something as big as this from Robby. Logically, I know that we should wait. But my logic is the only thing that agrees with that. Everything else is screaming that we should be trying to have another little one.

I think that another reason that I don't want the birth control is that it just re-enforces the fact that you're gone. That I'm not 20 weeks pregnant. That I'm not expecting a gorgeous baby. It just gives me one more reminder that my body failed me. Failed you.

This isn't a very happy post, little darling. I'm sorry.

- Loki